Living with a Black Dog

It’s been a while since I blogged last and a lot has happened since it has. I have a job which I LOVE and it has brought some of the Nettie ‘pre black dog days’ back from the dark where she had been buried for a long time and let her feel the sun on her face again. I work with a great bunch of guys (I am the only female in the bunch) and the banter we have genuinely makes me laugh out loud. I get to travel all over the country to some beautiful cities and meet some lovely people. I work from home which can be hard sometimes, but most of the time I am happy with my own company.

Most of the time my black dog (affectionately known as Merlin) looks like this….

  
Cute isn’t he? I can cope with Merlin when he is like this. He just sits in my peripheral vision, not quite out of site (and definitely not out of mind) reminding me that he is still there. 

Then there are days when Merlin looks like this…..

  
Not so cute I think you will agree. There is no sitting quietly for this Merlin. This Merlin sits as close to me as he can, staring, breathing so heavily that sometimes I can physically feel his breath and emitting a constant low, menacing growl. There is very little I can do to deal with this Merlin. His presence is all encompassing. I just have to let him do his stuff until the stuff in my head that created him has been dealt with.

Dealing with one black dog is hard enough. How do you deal with 2? When you have a loved one who has their own black dog, it makes things twice as hard. It’s ‘nice’ when both black dogs are at cute stage. It’s difficult when one is at cute and one is at not so cute stage, but when both are at ‘Cujo’ stage, life gets about as difficult as you can imagine.

Myself and Dave are at the difficult stage at the moment (Merlin is cute) so Dave is having to deal with ‘Cujo’ stage. Things at work for him have been difficult to say the least. I’m not going to get into it on here. 2 weeks ago events unfolded which resulted in him having a huge panic attack at work. Paramedics were called and he has been off work since. 

Unless you have had experience of dealing with someone who has mental health issues, it is really hard to explain how hard it is to see someone you love and care about deeply shutting themselves off from everything and shutting down. Not eating, not sleeping/sleeping all the time, the feeling of complete and utter worthlessness, shaking and many other things. 

But the absolute worst thing for me is the silence. 

The constant trying to make conversation, to get the person you love to talk to you about how they are feeling, to tell you what is going through their mind only to get nothing but a grunt and a shrug of the shoulders as a reply. 

It’s one of the hardest things you will have to deal with.

A recent trip to the doctor was when he finally opened up and what he said made me equally incredibly angry and sad. I wanted to punch him so hard in the face and hold him so tight at the same time. 

All I can be right now is there for him. To listen, to give cuddles when needed, to kick his arse when he won’t get out of bed, to make him endless cups of tea but, most important of all, to let him know he is loved. So much. 

Truly, madly, deeply ❤️❤️

Haven’t blogged for a while. Things are dragging me down. I’m not a talker, not when it comes to feelings anyway. So I bottle. And bottle. Then bottle some more. Not good. I know that, but it’s hard to change the habit of a lifetime.

A date has been set for our wedding. September 19th this year. I should be excited, right? I should be all giddy with preparations and getting stressed about seating plans and all the other things a wedding entails. But I’m not. Well, I am a little. But I should be feeling so much more than I do.

This is going to be a rambling blog. I am putting down what comes into my head before I forget it.

I have huge body image issues at the moment. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I am at least 2 stone heavier than I want to be. I am stepping foot inside a gym for the first time ever today. It’s only a free trail but I need to do something. I have a gorgeous dress to get in to (thanks to my bestest bezzie) complete with fabulous petticoat (thanks to my beautiful little sis).

How I am feeling put into bullet points:

°Fat
°Ugly
°Useless
°Worthless
°Unworthy
°Lonely

I have so much to be thankful for. I know that. But depression/anxiety take all the good feelings you have inside you away and replace them with those listed above, and many more.

Helpless……

If someone had told a younger me that I would suffer from mental health, I would have laughed in their face. Yet here I am, battling with my mind on a daily basis. Today I am very shaky. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it but I am feeling incredibly anxious. My back and shoulders hurts as I am tensed up so much and I feel like a massive weight is pressing on my chest.

I struggle to go out. I am fine if I am in places familiar to me with people I know but if you put me anywhere else then I just cannot cope. Sunday was a prime example. Dave and myself went to get some shopping. Just sitting in the car in waiting traffic started me off. I had to leave one store and sit in the van as I could feel myself beginning to get sweaty and my breathing quicken.

I feel completely useless. Dave is wonderful and understanding but I know he finds it hard to cope with. He has got a job and I couldn’t be more proud and pleased for him. He was ready to get back out there and he loves what he does. I feel I should be contributing but I know that I am not ready to go out work. I just wouldn’t be able to give my best to anyone that employed me which would not be like me as I have always given (or at least tried to) 100%.

So for now I will continue the battle with myself. I know I will win one day. But for now I will just take one day at a time. It’s the best I can do.

Happy

I haven’t blogged for quite a while as I haven’t really had anything too extraordinary to say. This weekend has been too good too not blog about.

It truly has been a fantastic weekend with some true, true friends. Music, merriment and laughs aplenty. 

So that’s it. Short and sweet but filled with much love.  Thank you for your friendship. It means more than you will ever know xx

Black Clouds

 

 

Well, not just tonight. Pretty much all the time lately. My anxiety is getting worse, to the point that I don’t want to leave the house pretty much most of the time. The thought of being around lots of people freaks me out beyond belief. If I go shopping I have to go to the local 24 hour supermarket at stupid times as I know that there will be fewer people around. When I leave the house, all I can think of is just getting back there as soon as possible. 

I hate this. I really do. I hate the person I have become. Scared, lacking in confidence, low self esteem and completely and totally useless. 

Black Dog Days

I love dogs. Growing up as a child we always had dogs. But I have to say the one that has been following me around lately is not a very nice dog. It is black and for the last few days it hasn’t left my side. It varies in size. One day it can be really quite small, like a tiny little chihuahua. And some days it can be the size of a bloody massive Great Dane. I suppose it really is the perfect pet. You never have to walk it, feed it or clean up after it. It just sits there quietly, never making a sound.

It makes performing the simplest of tasks difficult. The smallest, most inconsequential things become massive tasks that seem impossible to complete. It is a physical weight that makes you feel as if you are being held back.

 

Dave and I need to find somewhere new to live as the landlady is selling the house we are in. This in itself is a very stressful time for most people, but for the both of us who are battling depression and anxiety, this is a massively stressful time. We are looking but nobody wants to take people who are in receipt of benefits. We have been tarred with the brush that paints all people who claim benefits as scroungers and wasters. We are by no stretch of the wildest imagination either. Both of us have worked all our adult lives and paid into the system. It is only due to ill health that we are on benefits. 

It is fair to say that we are both really struggling at the moment. Today has passed with us barely speaking a word to each other as we are both completely lost in our own thoughts. 

 

I am not Me anymore……..

I’m not. And I know I’m not. Nothing at all used to worry me or stress me out. I went through my life pretty carefree when I think about it. In hindsight, I don’t know whether this was a good thing or not, but at the time I had no real concept that that was what I was doing.  I was always described as bubbly, vivacious, funny, the life and soul of any social occasion. Loud, lippy and always laughing. That was me. WAS me.

Not any more. Now I am just a shadow of the girl I was. Sometimes she appears and I always hope that she will stay around for longer each time she does, but no. She disappears again, beaten back by the blackness, cowering and scared of the Black Dog that barks at her ferociously.

My dreams are getting weirder and weirder too. They seem to be concentrating lately a lot on people from my past, school friends, ex lovers, family members who have passed away. It’s almost as if my mind is trying to remind me of when my life was easier and give me a little push to get back to the times when I was happy. Please don’t get me wrong. I am happier now than I have been for a very, very long time. If you knew me a couple of years ago I was totally broken and destroyed. A previous relationship left me battered and bruised and determined that I was NEVER going to be in a relationship again. Ever. I locked myself away from the world totally. Barely functioned as a person. I drank an awful lot because being drunk numbed the pain I was feeling. But then you wake up feeling like shit and you get through the day to drink again to numb the pain………….

And then one day I decided that I had had enough of feeling shit all the time. I wasn’t going to let a bad past relationship turn me into this sour, bitter person. So I stopped the everyday drinking and started walking. I got out into the world again and realised that it wasn’t as frightening a place as I had imagined. I felt my life was finally getting back on track. I was beginning to feel good again. And then Life decided to throw a curve ball at me and once again I began to free fall into the blackness. I have been there for a while again now, but there have been chinks of glorious sunshine and in that warmth I have met Dave and as I have said in a previous blog, he brought me back to life. He fixed my shattered heart, piece by piece and the pieces that were lost forever, he fixed with his pieces of his own. I love him and I never thought that I would say those words again.

Each day I battle with myself. Every day I wake up and I get that tight feeling in my chest. But I know that I have Dave, a wonderful family and a strong network of friends that will be there for me to help me through each day. And for that I am truly, truly grateful. So maybe I am not me any more but hopefully, one day, I will be again.

 

Floundering………

It’s been a tough few days. In fact, scratch that. It’s been a really shitty few days. Everything is beginning to feel as if it piling up on me again and I honestly don’t think I am strong enough to carry the weight this time. I just want to build the biggest duvet cocoon and nestle right in and not come out. Ever again.

We are in rented property at the moment and the landlady is selling the house. We were told of this before Christmas so we knew it was coming, but now the house is going on the market and it is all too real. We are currently looking for another rental property but not many landlords will take people on benefits. We are only on benefits due to health reasons, both of us having worked full time until recently. Looking for a new property is one of the most stressful times of an adults life. But when you suffer from anxiety and depression, this situation is magnified tenfold. It isn’t. It just seems like it.

For people who don’t know what either of these illnesses are like, then it is probably really hard for you to understand.

The piece of writing above pretty much sums up how I feel when it gets really bad for me. I also feel completely and totally worthless. A let down. A disappointment. A failure.

I have met a truly wonderful man. He is the sweetest, most gentle, kind hearted person I have ever known and he has fixed me after I felt broken for such a very long time. And God how he makes me laugh! It may be a misconception that people with mental illness spend every minute of the day just lay in bed or sat in a chair doing nothing. Don’t get me wrong. Some days this does happen.  He struggles with mental illness as I do and we help each other on a day to day basis. Twitter has helped so much. Both of us have a group of friends who suffer too and we all support each other when the bad days happen and the black dog comes to visit.

Anyway. I am rambling. Again. I will get through this. I have before and I will again. Writing helps me. A twitter friend actually suggested a start a blog (thanks Susan), so here I am. Writing down my random thoughts for you to read. If you choose to do so.

If any of my twitter friends who are going through shitty times and are reading this, stay strong. You are beautiful person who matters.

Bye for now.

Let’s see if this works……

There is a saying where I come from. “Cheek and chawl does it all” which basically means “If you don’t ask, you don’t get” (I think).

 

Me and my gorgeous fiancee are looking to get married, hopefully sometime this year. Now, to say we have no money is a slight understatement. We literally have no money. You often hear, in magazines, on tv etc, of the wonderful generosity of people today. So I was wondering if it would work for us and our wedding.

 

We met on a social media site (twitter) and have been introduced to some truly wonderful people. Some of these people have already offered to help us with regards to aspects of our wedding. We have had offers for the cake, invitations and our wedding dance to be choreographed. 

 

It is not going to be a huge affair. We have both been there and done that. We want a small, informal wedding in the local town hall then off to our local pub for pie and peas (or something along those lines). 

 

So I am just going to put this out there. Some who read this may think that what I am doing is wrong, but lately I have been very lucky to experience the true generosity and kindness of people and this just led me to thinking. So often these days we get engrossed in ‘virtual life’. I am a prime example of this. I find it exceptionally hard to interact with ‘real people’. I suffer from anxiety attacks and have a real problem with actually talking to people on a face to face basis. I am the quintessential ‘bottler’. But on social media sites etc, I have no problem in expressing my feelings, although I still only show what I want people to see. Very few people in the ‘real world’ know the real me. This is completely my fault. I keep so much inside…….. oh dear. I am rambling again. If you read my blogs then you will find this out about me. Anyway. Back to the reason for this post.

 

We need help with the following:

A dress

A suit

Flowers

Transport

Catering

So, if you can help then please let me know. You have no idea how much it will be appreciated. Thanks for reading this, and please don’t think bad of me. Ok. I’m done. Bye for now. 

Bedtime battle

Every night it is the same thing. You get comfy on the couch. You watch telly and then it appears. The nodding donkey. He is very quiet, almost ninja like. He creeps up on you and before you know it, you are jerked awake and wiping drool from your chin. You have a crick in your neck from the insanely ridiculous angle your head has been at and, if you are incredibly lucky, a photo hasn’t been taken and posted on to every social network site there is.

So you decide to shuffle off to bed. You discard the clothes of the day (if you haven’t already done so) and go through the obligatory bedtime rituals. Teeth are cleaned, pillows are fluffed and you crawl into bed and nestle down for the night.

And BOOM!! There is goes. Your brain, which has been in a state of near hibernation for most of the evening, suddenly decides to place itself into “Super hyper overdrive mode”. It actually produces a noise akin to a swarm of very pissed off bees and think about every single possible thing there is to think about.  And as much as your body is about as loose and limp as my bowels are after eating mushy peas, your mind is racing like a, well a very, very fast racy thing.

And so you lie there. In the dark. Just wishing that you did have an on/off switch that you could just flick to bring silence so you could have one night, just one night of pure, uninterrupted, blissful sleep.

Or is that just me?